On Father's Day last year, I met with my son and shared with him a memory I had of his dad when I was pregnant with him. I shared that when I told his dad I was pregnant, he told me he hoped we were having a boy. I explained that when he said that, I worried if I had a girl he may not be as happy. We were both very young and the aspect of focusing on having a healthy baby, rather than focusing on gender, was not well developed in our young minds. A couple of days later, my son's dad brought a tiny Barbie doll home to me. He told me that he would be just as excited if we had a little girl. I told my son of this memory and told him how much his dad wanted him and how excited he was for him to be born.

Sharing this memory was meaningful for several reasons. Father’s Day was of course reason enough, actually...any day was reason enough. But in addition to that, my son and his wife were several months into their own pregnancy when I told him of this memory. Becoming a parent is magical and celebrating this magic is absolutely essential. Father’s Day and Mother’s Day give space for us to share our appreciation, celebrating our parents or those who have been there for us as parents.

Today, I celebrated Father’s Day a day early with my father. Sitting on his porch we enjoyed the view of the mountains and shared a burger from our favorite restaurant. My dad has been my foundation and I always feel grounded when I’m around him. The difficult part of this celebration with my dad is that I wish so often that my son could be sitting on his dad’s porch, feeling the same feelings of grounding and foundation I’ve always had the privilege to feel.

It is important to be mindful that not all of those around us have feelings that are a cause for celebration on holidays such as Father’s Day or Mother’s Day. We need to consider that the day may be difficult for some of our colleagues, friends, and loved ones. There was a reason why the memory shared with my son about his dad was even more important than any other time. My son lost his father a couple of December's back. Since then, Father's Day has been difficult for him. Though this year's Father's Day brings a different perspective to him than the last couple years, as he celebrates his first Father's Day as a new father, he will likely have mixed feelings as he longs for his dad. My hope for my son and my grandson is that they eventually sit on the porch together and feel grounded in one another’s company. My hope is that my son gives my grandson the foundation my dad has given me.

Sometimes holidays bring many different emotions, particularly those so closely knit to our being, such as Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. Last Father’s Day, I saw a friend acknowledging her mother on a social media post, sharing how she was grateful for all her mom had done, including being a father to her. Another mutual connection commented on her post, noting that Father’s Day was to acknowledge fathers, not mothers. If one was able to deeply unravel the experiences and feelings each of them had that were so very different from one another, I’m confident both of their experiences and feelings were very real and equally made sense. In addition, the roles parents play are not always specific to one parent or one gender. The difficult aspect is we sometimes make assumptions about people, their experiences, and why they are feeling the way they are. We should never assume we understand all of the emotions and experiences of others when it comes to delicate relationships and their connections to holidays focused on celebrating how we come into and are raised up in this life.

As we celebrate the beauty of Father’s Day and Mother’s Day, we must also remember that for some, they may be facing grief or emotions more complicated than what we can imagine. They may be experiencing the loss of their own father, mother, parent, or parent figure. They may have lost their own child or a child that was like their own. They may be a longing to be a parent themselves. They may be longing to be with a child that is not near them. They or their parents may be incarcerated (you may not realize that 2.7 million children have a parent in prison or jail in the US and 92% of those parents are fathers-see this graphic from the National Fatherhood Initiative for data and solutions.) They may be dealing with strained connections with their parent or parents. There are so many other complex emotions in addition to these listed that we may never know.

Remember the impact of your words and actions can either create a sense of belonging and inclusion or create a feeling of division and exclusion during times such as Father’s Day and Mother’s Day. This piece by Option B provides ideas to help people know what words and actions can support those around them who are coping with loss, struggling with infertility, or not feeling part of the celebration of Father’s Day.

As you approach Father's Day tomorrow, be mindful of your Father's Day greetings.